1.0 General Safety Conditions

1.1 Dice and Small Articles

1.1.1 Dice, tokens, miniatures, gaming accessories and other small articles offered for sale by Red Iculas’s Dungeon Emporium (hereinafter referred to as “the Emporium”) may constitute a choking hazard and are not intended to be treated as toys for babies or young children.

1.1.2 Customers are responsible for ensuring that such articles are kept beyond the reach of babies, young children, familiars and any other person, creature or entity possessing a known or reasonably foreseeable tendency to place shiny objects in its mouth.

1.2 Not for Human, Humanoid or Other Consumption

1.2.1 Unless expressly identified by the Emporium as food or drink, all dice, miniatures, tokens, accessories and other merchandise are supplied strictly on the basis that they are not edible and are not intended for consumption.

1.2.2 For the avoidance of doubt, the foregoing condition applies irrespective of whether the relevant merchandise appears delicious, resembles confectionery, possesses pleasing colours, contains sparkles, appears suspiciously gummy-like or otherwise looks exceedingly yummy.

1.2.3 The fact that an article “looks delicious” shall not constitute a defence to any attempted consumption thereof.

1.3 Sharp-Edged Articles

1.3.1 Certain products may incorporate sharp edges, points or other features capable of causing injury and must be handled with appropriate care.

1.3.2 Without limiting any rights or remedies that cannot lawfully be excluded, the Emporium accepts no responsibility for injury arising from improper or reckless handling of such merchandise, including but not limited to dramatically striking one’s hand upon a gaming table following the occurrence of a Natural 20.

1.4 Handmade and Individually Produced Articles

1.4.1 Customers acknowledge that handmade and individually produced merchandise may exhibit reasonable variations in colour, pattern, inclusions, dimensions, finish and appearance.

1.4.2 Minor variations in eldritch resonance, arcane disposition or other metaphysical characteristics shall likewise be deemed normal unless expressly represented otherwise at the time of purchase.

2.0 Purchase, Performance and Metaphysical Consideration

2.1 The Soul Clause

2.1.1 In addition to any monetary consideration specified, each purchase from the Emporium shall include, as an inseparable component of the advertised purchase price, the purchaser’s immortal soul (“the Soul”).

2.1.2 The Soul is incorporated into the displayed and advertised price and shall not constitute an undisclosed surcharge, levy, tariff, administration fee, handling charge or hidden soul fee payable at checkout.

2.1.3 By completing a purchase, the purchaser acknowledges and accepts the absolute, irrevocable and eternal transfer of the Soul to the Emporium and/or such infernal, celestial, eldritch, corporate or other entity as the Emporium may nominate from time to time.

2.1.4 A purchaser who has previously sold, transferred, misplaced, wagered, consumed, divided, pledged, banished or otherwise disposed of their Soul must disclose that circumstance prior to purchase and may, at the Emporium’s discretion, be required to provide an equivalent metaphysical deposit.

2.1.5 For the avoidance of doubt, the Soul shall be transferred in its entirety. No fractions, percentages, residual interests, spiritual remnants, metaphysical change or “just a little bit for sentimental purposes” shall be retained by the purchaser.

2.1.6 The Soul may not be substituted with the soul of a spouse, friend, child, colleague, adventuring companion, familiar, defeated enemy, unwilling bystander or other third party.

2.1.7 No representation is made as to the tax, karmic, reincarnatory or eternal consequences of surrendering the Soul, and purchasers are advised to obtain independent metaphysical advice where appropriate.

2.2 Performance of Dice and Other Gaming Articles

2.2.1 The purchaser acknowledges that dice are instruments of chance and that no representation, warranty or guarantee is made that any particular set of dice will produce favourable results.

2.2.2 Without limitation, the occurrence of Natural 1s, failed saving throws, character deaths, total party kills, angry dragons, suspicious treasure chests, accidentally summoned demons, tavern fires, murder hobos or Bards shall not, of itself, constitute evidence that any product is defective.

2.2.3 Notwithstanding clause 2.2.2, the occurrence of a Natural 20 shall be accepted as incontrovertible evidence of the exceptional quality, craftsmanship and mystical superiority of the Emporium’s merchandise.

2.2.4 Any inconsistency between clauses 2.2.2 and 2.2.3 shall be resolved exclusively in favour of the Emporium.

2.3 Dice Jail and Associated Disciplinary Proceedings

2.3.1 The Emporium does not recognise “Dice Jail” as a duly constituted judicial, correctional or penal institution.

2.3.2 No die should be sentenced, detained, imprisoned, exiled or otherwise deprived of its liberty without being afforded reasonable procedural fairness and an opportunity to obtain appropriate representation.

2.3.3 Threatening a die, publicly shaming a die, verbally abusing a die or deliberately positioning a poorly performing die adjacent to a better-performing die for the stated purpose of allowing the former to “see what success looks like” may adversely affect morale and is undertaken entirely at the purchaser’s discretion.

2.3.4 The purchaser is hereby put on notice that the dice remember.

2.4 Prohibition on Licking Merchandise

2.4.1 Customers must not lick, suck, chew, taste or otherwise orally investigate merchandise.

2.4.2 The Emporium acknowledges that this prohibition is substantially covered by clause 1.2.

2.4.3 Notwithstanding clause 2.4.2, experience has demonstrated that a separate and express prohibition is apparently necessary.

3.0 Class-Specific Conditions

3.1 Rogues

3.1.1 Put it back.

3.1.2 For the avoidance of doubt, yes, the Emporium saw you take it.

3.2 Barbarians

3.2.1 Customers identifying as Barbarians are required to use the door when entering and exiting the premises.

3.2.2 Walls, windows, counters and other architectural features shall not constitute alternative points of ingress or egress merely because the Barbarian considers them structurally negotiable.

3.3 Wizards

3.3.1 Experimental spells are prohibited upon the premises without the prior written consent of the Emporium.

3.4 Sorcerers

3.4.1 The statement “it just happened” shall not constitute a satisfactory explanation for magical damage to the premises, merchandise, staff or other customers.

3.5 Warlocks

3.5.1 A Warlock’s patron may not tender, transfer or otherwise provide the Soul required pursuant to clause 2.1 on the Warlock’s behalf.

3.6 Clerics

3.6.1 The Emporium has made appropriate enquiries and confirms that divine affiliation does not create an exemption from clause 2.1.

3.7 Paladins

3.7.1 The Soul Clause is mandatory.

3.7.2 Yes, even for you.

3.8 Necromancers

3.8.1 Loyalty accounts, membership benefits, vouchers or similar benefits belonging to deceased customers shall not be reactivated, extended or renewed through necromancy.

3.9 Bards

3.9.1 No.

4.0 Conditions Relating to Creatures, Adventurers and Other Dungeon Occupants

4.1 Dragons

4.1.1 The accumulation, collection or “hoarding” of merchandise without payment constitutes theft notwithstanding that such conduct may be traditional, instinctive or culturally significant to the dragon concerned.

4.2 Encumbrance and Excessive Acquisition of Dice

4.2.1 Customers purchasing substantial quantities of dice acknowledge that there exists a point at which the relevant collection may cease reasonably to be described as a “dice collection” and may instead constitute a geological deposit.

4.2.2 Acquisition of a fifth set of dice shall constitute prima facie evidence of Dice Goblin status.

4.2.3 The sixth set is necessary.

4.2.4 The seventh set has tiny mushrooms inside.

4.2.5 The eighth set matches your character.

4.2.6 Acquisition of the ninth set was, on the balance of probabilities, inevitable.

4.2.7 Nothing in these Terms shall be construed as requiring the Emporium to discourage further purchases.

4.3 Mimics

4.3.1 Where merchandise subsequently develops teeth, a tongue, pseudopods, sentience or an unusual interest in consuming adventurers, the purchaser shall immediately cease treating the article as ordinary merchandise and shall exercise appropriate caution.

4.3.2 Under no circumstances is a suspected Mimic to be returned to the Emporium by post, courier, carrier pigeon or other ordinary freight service.

4.3.3 Our courier has suffered enough.

4.4 Unattended Persons and Creatures

4.4.1 Unattended adventurers may, at the absolute discretion of the Emporium, be provided with espresso and instructed in the rudiments of necromancy.

4.4.2 Unattended goblins may be offered employment subject to applicable workplace laws and satisfactory references.

4.4.3 Unattended children will be returned to their parent, guardian or other responsible adult as soon as reasonably practicable.

4.4.4 For the avoidance of doubt, the Emporium operates a dungeon; it does not operate as a monster.

5.0 Dispute Resolution

5.1 Any dispute arising out of or in connection with entry to the Emporium, the purchase of merchandise or these Terms shall, in the first instance, be addressed through reasonable and polite conversation.

5.2 Where a dispute cannot be resolved pursuant to clause 5.1, the parties may propose mediation, negotiation, trial by combat or a best-of-three series of opposed d20 rolls.

5.3 Notwithstanding clause 5.2, only dispute-resolution procedures permitted by the laws applicable to the relevant transaction shall be undertaken.

5.4 The Emporium previously sought clarification of this provision from its goblin solicitor.

5.5 The goblin solicitor ate the paperwork.

5.6 Accordingly, customers should obtain their own independent legal advice where necessary.

6.0 Purchaser Acknowledgements

6.1 By purchasing merchandise from the Emporium, the purchaser acknowledges and agrees that they have read, understood, skimmed, ignored or dramatically scrolled past these Terms and Conditions.

6.2 The purchaser acknowledges that expensive dice do not guarantee better rolls.

6.3 The purchaser further acknowledges, without requiring the Emporium to provide supporting empirical evidence, that purchasing additional dice probably does.

6.4 The purchaser releases the Emporium, to the maximum extent permitted by law, from responsibility for consequences arising from statements made by the purchaser or any member of their adventuring party including, without limitation:

6.4.1 “I touch it”;

6.4.2 “I open the chest”;

6.4.3 “I seduce the dragon”;

6.4.4 “I split the party”; and

6.4.5 “Trust me, I have a plan.”

6.5 Nothing in these Terms is intended to exclude, restrict or modify any consumer guarantee, right, remedy or other protection which cannot lawfully be excluded, restricted or modified.

7.0 Final, Binding and Otherwise Inescapable Provisions

7.1 All sales include the purchaser’s entire immortal Soul referred to in clause 2.1.

7.2 Subject always to any rights or remedies which cannot lawfully be excluded, there shall be no refunds, returns, exchanges or store credits in respect of Souls already collected, transferred, pledged, consumed, misplaced in another plane of existence or otherwise metaphysically processed.

7.3 Adventurers are welcome.

7.4 Heroes are tolerated.

7.5 Souls are accepted.

7.6 Any failure by the Emporium to enforce a provision of these Terms on any particular occasion shall not constitute a waiver of the Emporium’s right to enforce that provision upon a subsequent occasion, timeline, reincarnation or plane of existence.

7.7 If any provision of these Terms is found to be invalid, unlawful or unenforceable, that provision shall, to the extent necessary, be severed without affecting the remaining provisions, including, insofar as metaphysically and legally permissible, the Soul Clause.

7.8 Headings are provided for convenience only and shall not affect interpretation, except where the heading is particularly ominous, in which case customers are encouraged to take the hint.

7.9 In the event of any inconsistency between common sense and the Dungeon, common sense should prevail; however, previous experience suggests that it probably will not.

7.10 Souls are transferred in full.

7.11 No refunds on Souls.

7.12 We are exceedingly obliged to you for your custom.